The Myth of Romantic Love: How Friendship Can Save Us

Introduction

The first time I realized Valentine’s Day could be about more than romance, I was studying abroad in Mexico City. Back home in the U.S., February 14th meant couples exchanging grand romantic gestures, heart-shaped chocolates, and candlelit dinners. But in Mexico, I encountered something different: El Día del Amor y la Amistad—a day that celebrates both love and friendship.

It was a revelation. At the time, I was a single undergraduate student in a foreign country, feeling both exhilarated and overwhelmed. But on El Día del Amor y la Amistad, something shifted. Instead of feeling like I was missing out, I felt included. My host family exchanged small gifts with friends, classmates wrote heartfelt notes to one another, and there was a collective acknowledgment that love isn’t just about romance—it’s about connection, in all its forms.

This was a stark contrast to the narrow framing of Valentine’s Day I had grown up with, where romantic love took center stage. And yet, as a psychologist, I know that friendship and social support are just as—if not more—essential to our well-being than romantic relationships. Research consistently shows that friendship is a cornerstone of mental health, yet our culture often treats it as secondary to romance.

In Platonic, psychologist Marisa Franco, Ph.D., explores why this is a mistake. Friendship isn’t just an emotional luxury—it’s a necessity. It shapes our mental health, our sense of belonging, and even our physical longevity. And yet, many people neglect it, believing that adulthood should revolve around romantic relationships, family, and careers. This blog explores why friendships are vital, how our attachment styles shape them, and how reclaiming the spirit of El Día del Amor y la Amistad—the idea that love is bigger than romance—can make our lives richer.

Friendship as a Pillar of Mental Health

One of the biggest myths we’ve been sold is that romance is the ultimate form of love. But as Franco emphasizes, friendship literally keeps us alive longer. Research has found that strong social connections can lower stress, reduce the risk of depression, and even extend lifespan. Friendships create trust, increase empathy, and provide an essential support system that romantic love alone cannot always fulfill.

In fact, friendships don’t just improve our personal well-being—they have a broader social impact. Franco highlights research showing that friendships across different groups reduce prejudice. If one of your close friends is part of a marginalized group, you’re more likely to develop empathy for people from that background. In this way, friendship is not just personally fulfilling—it’s socially transformative.

Yet, Western culture often treats friendships as secondary. We have endless songs, movies, and books glorifying romantic love, but far fewer stories celebrating deep, meaningful friendships. We’re taught that “family comes first” and that finding “the one” is life’s ultimate goal. But this perspective ignores the richness of non-romantic relationships.

This is where El Día del Amor y la Amistad gets it right. By recognizing all forms of love, it avoids the alienation that Valentine’s Day can create. It acknowledges that whether we are single, partnered, or somewhere in between, we all need love in our lives—romantic or not.

The Flawed History of Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day wasn’t always the romance-heavy holiday we know today. Its origins are murky, with links to early Christian martyrs and ancient Roman fertility festivals. But the modern version of Valentine’s Day—filled with expensive gifts, elaborate date nights, and the expectation of romantic exclusivity—only really took shape in the 19th and 20th centuries, thanks to commercialization.

Contrast that with El Día del Amor y la Amistad, which expands the holiday beyond couples to include friends, family, and even co-workers. This broader, more communal approach is closer to what psychological research suggests is healthy: a recognition that multiple relationships, not just one, sustain us.

How Attachment Shapes Our Friendships

If friendships are so important, why do so many adults struggle to maintain them? Franco suggests that our attachment styles play a big role. Attachment theory, which originated in research on parent-child bonds, also applies to adult friendships:

• Securely attached people believe they are worthy of love and assume that others will reciprocate their efforts. This makes them confident in relationships.

• Anxiously attached people fear rejection and tend to overcompensate, often giving more than they receive and seeking constant reassurance.

• Avoidantly attached people associate relationships with pressure and responsibility, often pushing others away rather than risking emotional closeness.

The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. New relationships—including friendships—can reshape our attachment patterns. If you struggle with friendships, the issue may not be you, but rather old relational wounds that have shaped your expectations of others.

Reclaiming Friendship on Valentine’s Day—and Beyond!

Valentine’s Day can make people feel left out if they’re not in a romantic relationship, but it doesn’t have to. Instead of seeing it as a day for couples only, we can reclaim it as a day to celebrate love in all its forms.

Some ways to do that:

1. Host a Friendship Dinner

While Valentine’s Day has become synonymous with romantic dates, it can just as easily be a time to gather close friends and share a meal. Whether it’s a casual dinner, a potluck, or even just drinks with friends, celebrating together shifts the focus from exclusivity to connection.

2. Express Gratitude for Your Friends

A simple “I appreciate you” can go a long way. Send a text, write a letter, or tell a friend directly why they matter to you. Studies show that expressing gratitude strengthens relationships and even improves your own well-being.

3. Practice Intentional Generosity

Showing up for friends, whether emotionally or physically, strengthens your bond. Small acts—like checking in, remembering important details, or offering support—signal to your friends that they matter.

4. Reframe Romantic Pressure

If Valentine’s Day brings up feelings of loneliness, remind yourself that love isn’t limited to romance. Celebrate the relationships you do have, rather than focusing on the ones you don’t.

5. Normalize Affection in Friendship

In Western cultures, there’s often discomfort around expressing deep affection in platonic relationships—especially among men. But research shows that affection strengthens friendships. Whether it’s verbal affirmation, a thoughtful gesture, or simply saying “I love you” to a friend, these moments create lasting bonds.

Conclusion: Friendship Saves Us

Friendship takes effort, but it’s worth it. Our world is lonelier than ever, yet we often overlook the relationships that could bring us the most joy and support. Valentine’s Day, as it exists in the U.S., reinforces the myth that romantic love is the highest form of connection. But in reality, it’s friendship—the people who show up, who listen, who stand by us—that sustains us through life’s challenges.

So this February, whether or not you’re in a romantic relationship, take a moment to celebrate the friends who make your life richer. Love is not limited to couples. And friendship is not a consolation prize—it is, in many ways, the foundation of a well-lived life.