Values on My Mind: A Therapist’s Perspective

What would your life look like if you fully lived by your values? That’s a question I ask often—not just to my clients, but to myself.

I often work with clients who feel stuck, lost, or like they’re drifting through life without direction. Maybe they’re overwhelmed by stress, struggling in relationships, or just feeling off without knowing exactly why. And time and time again, we find that part of the reason is that they’ve stopped living their values.

They’ve fallen out of alignment with what truly matters to them. It’s not that they’ve stopped wanting meaning, purpose, or connection—it’s that, somewhere along the way, they started making choices that pulled them away from those things.

And that’s when we bring values into the conversation.

What Are Values, Really?

“Values” is one of those words we throw around all the time, but rarely define. And when we do, it’s often mistaken for something it’s not. So let’s get clear.

Values are not goals.

Goals are things you achieve. They’re destinations. If your goal is to run a marathon, you either do or you don’t. If your goal is to get promoted, that happens, and then what? You set another goal. But values? Values aren’t destinations. Values are directions.

If a goal is “run a marathon,” the value behind it might be perseverance, health, or pushing your limits. If a goal is to be a better parent, the value might be presence, patience, or love. You never achieve patience, or perseverance, or love. There’s no finish line. Values are qualities of action—they’re verbs and adverbs, not just abstract nouns.

So rather than saying “family is a value,” I’d ask, How do you want to show up in your family? With patience? With humor? With honesty?

That distinction is important because it’s easy to mistake things like career, education, or relationships as values when they’re actually domains. The real question is: How do you want to be in these areas of your life?

Values vs. Inherited Values

One of the things I explore with clients is the difference between their values and the values they were handed. Because a lot of us grow up in families, religions, or institutions that tell us what should be important.

I see this a lot with veterans. Many adopt the values of their military branch—honor, integrity, service. And for some, that works. Those values genuinely resonate with them. But for others, it was something imposed, not chosen. The same happens with religion, family expectations, and cultural norms.

I remember talking with a client—let’s call her Adriana—who was realizing how much of her life had been shaped by what others expected. She was raised to believe self-sacrifice was a sign of love. She put everyone else first—her kids, her partner—because that’s what she was taught. But it left her exhausted, resentful, and invisible in her own life.

So we started to untangle: Is this truly your value, or is this something you were taught to prioritize? Because maturing—emotionally, psychologically—is about making those choices for yourself.

Values aren’t static. They can change. They can be reevaluated. And one of the most powerful things you can do is ask, Do my actions align with what actually matters to me?

Values in Therapy and Life

When clients feel stuck, one of my go-to interventions is a values exercise. Because often, it’s not that they need some massive life overhaul—it’s that they need to reconnect with what gives them meaning.

One tool I love using is a values card sort. It’s a deck of cards with different values printed on them, and clients sort them into piles: important, somewhat important, and not important. There are free ones online (https://www.valuescardsort.com), but in session, I use Live Your Values by Lisa Congdon and Andrea Niculescu.

Another exercise I use is the eulogy exercise: imagine it’s your funeral. What do you want people to say about you? Not about what you accomplished, but about who you were. This can cut through the noise and get to the core of what truly matters.

That’s exactly what happened with a client—let’s call him Ryan—who was struggling with uncertainty in retirement. He was spiraling, caught in “what if” scenarios about money, the future, losing his sense of purpose. When we did the eulogy exercise, he didn’t talk about his investments. He talked about wanting to be remembered as someone who led with humor, integrity, and courage. That realization shifted everything for him.

Values anchor us. They guide us when everything feels uncertain. And in therapy, they help clients move from “How do I get rid of this anxiety?” to “How do I act in a way that’s meaningful, even with this anxiety?”

The Values I Hold as a Therapist

Just like my clients, I have to check in with my own values. Therapy is not just about what I do in a session, but how I do it—how I show up, how I engage, how I guide people through their struggles.

Now, I’ll admit: the values below are aspirational. I don’t always hit the mark. (Some days I’m just trying to drink enough water and return emails.) But I hold these values close because they help me steer. They remind me of the kind of therapist—and person—I want to be.

So, with some humility and humor, here they are:

1. Authenticity – Being Real, Not Just “Professional”

Therapy isn’t about playing a role. If I expect my clients to be vulnerable, I have to meet them there too. I try to be genuine, to show up as a whole person. I don’t have a “therapist persona” that I put on like a mask.

For example, in a session with a client—let’s call him Chris—I could see him getting stuck in his head, running circles around whether or not he should stay in a relationship. He was intellectualizing, analyzing every angle. So I interrupted.

“Can I be real with you for a second?” I asked.

He nodded.

“I think you already know what you want to do. But you’re afraid of what it means. What’s really scaring you?”

His whole posture shifted. He stopped over-explaining. And we finally got to the heart of it: he wasn’t just worried about the relationship—he was afraid of loneliness.

Authenticity means I don’t pretend I have all the answers. It means I trust the process and meet my clients where they are, not where I think they should be.

2. Courage – Saying the Hard Things

Good therapy isn’t always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it’s lovingly direct.

My client, Ryan, is someone who prides himself on being logical, composed, in control. We were talking about his tendency to suppress emotions when he said something like, “I just don’t let myself go there. I don’t see the point.”

I paused.

“Ryan, is it that you don’t see the point, or is it that you’re afraid of what will happen if you do?”

That landed. He admitted he was afraid that if he let himself feel, he wouldn’t be able to stop. That it would spiral. That he’d lose control.

That moment took courage—on both our parts. Therapy requires brave questions and safe containers.

3. Compassion – Holding Space for Messy, Unfinished Stories

Not every session has a resolution. Not every client has a clear “breakthrough moment.” Sometimes, people just need space to be uncertain, to feel lost, to grieve.

Adriana came in exhausted, depleted. She spent her entire life putting others first, believing that self-sacrifice equaled love. When I asked her how she was taking care of herself, she looked genuinely confused.

“I don’t know how to do that anymore,” she admitted.

In that moment, she didn’t need a worksheet. She didn’t need a strategy. She needed permission.

“You’ve been taking care of everyone else for so long,” I told her, “but who’s taking care of you?”

She teared up. She didn’t have an answer. And that’s okay. Because therapy isn’t about fixing—it’s about exploring. It’s about sitting with hard questions and being kind to ourselves in the process.

4. Integrity – Walking the Talk

If I encourage clients to live by their values, I have to do the same. That means I have to ask myself: Am I practicing what I preach? Am I showing up in ways that reflect what I say matters to me?

That means when I tell clients to prioritize self-care, I have to do the same—even when (especially when) it’s inconvenient. It means I have to check in with my biases, my reactions, my blind spots.

It’s one thing to know what you value. It’s another to live it.

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Why Values Matter—In Therapy and Beyond

Values aren’t fluff. They’re not cute affirmations. They’re anchors.

They help us make decisions, navigate change, set boundaries, and face fear. They remind us who we are and how we want to show up—even when life gets messy.

The clients I mentioned here? They weren’t just looking for symptom relief or a quick fix—but finding ways to live with meaning, with authenticity, with intention.

That’s what therapy is for. Not perfection. Not certainty. But connection—to self, to others, to purpose.

Values are always on my mind. Because when we lose sight of them, we lose our way.

And when we reconnect?

That’s when everything starts to shift.

If this resonated with you, consider sharing it with a friend or someone you care about. These conversations are meant to ripple outward.

You can also follow me @drstevecisneros on Instagram (or your favorite platform) where I share more thoughts on therapy, psychology, research, and self-care—plus the occasional dance / music break, artsy-fartsy picture, occasional meme,  or coffee-fueled insight.

Curious about working with me someday? I’ll be taking on a very limited number of new clients—folks who are deeply committed to the work and aligned with my approach.

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